At the same time, we can understand that after the sigh of relief, the warm hugs and the good meals, the adjustment is not smooth. You may feel that he looks at you but doesn’t really see you, he hears but doesn’t always listen, he’s here but he’s not here.
It is true that you also went through a very difficult period with great courage (practically and emotionally) and at the same time, you should take a moment to breathe and understand that he fought, for himself, for you, for the children, for the abductees, for all of us and it is a complex experience physically and emotionally. For some reservists, it has not yet ended.
If we try to break it down, the experience contains peak vigilance – a state in which the body and mind must maintain lots of concentration, alertness, attention and internal mental resources. Beyond the enormous energies invested in the national mission, he may have seen difficult sights, lost friends or fighters he knew and is in mourning for these losses. He may have faced difficult life and death dilemmas and internally, he may be grappling with emotions – perhaps guilt, perhaps self-criticism, perhaps longing and more. Beyond that, despite the disconnect from mobile phones, external criticism also reached his ears and the watchful eyes of the entire world, literally.
So now that he’s back, it’s not easy for him to switch phases. Everyone has his own rhythm and a different response. It may be that he still needs to process what he experienced and slowly allow himself to come out of the vigilance, maybe feel painful emotions and in general, understand what he went through. Therefore, a little more mutual patience is required to overcome the hurdle.
In the meantime, here are some recommendations that will help both of you adapt to a new routine and maybe even come out stronger together:
🔶️ To know that he may be physically here, but emotionally, he may still be there.
🔶️ Give him time and space – even if he is “just” sitting on the sofa, even if the dishes are waiting to be washed, even if it is very urgent for you to tell him… It is possible to coordinate expectations for the near future, what is a must, what is the division of roles and what are the desires and abilities of both of you at the moment and arrive at mutual agreement.
🔶️ Allow him to share or not share what happened and how he feels – it’s true that you really want to know, want to be a partner and maybe you also think that talking about it can help, but you should respect if it’s not in his ability/desire at the moment. You will be an even better partner, if he sees that you see him and allow him to just be.
🔶️ Understand that we all changed during the war, both he and you, and you should be open to these changes and not look for who he was before, or who you were before. It is from this point in the here and now that life moves on.
*Of course, the recommendations are also valid the other way around when the reservist woman returns home! Good luck and good news to everyone💙
